So in a weak moment of masochism, I submitted my e-portfolio for review by a panel of information architect professionals. I don't know why I bother, these panels always rip my work to shreds. But it especially pisses me off this time because I spent 3 years developing the idea for it, carefully planning what sections and what info would be added. And apparently all I "say" through my e-portfolio is "I am a modernist, personality-free snob with no mission in life and shitty proof-reading skills".

Not only did it hit a massively sensitive nerve with the proof-reading thing (apparently I've had a nervous breakdown about my ability to write anything and am perpetually stuck in "bad" mode),
but now I have to go home and fix everything before my potential employers get the same vibe. Awesome (epic levels of sarcasm).

Every single one of the panelist said they would never read more than the first page of my e-portfolio the way it is and that they had no idea why they were reading it in the first place.
It was also clearly the worst one out of the five. I was also the only LIS person in the room-- everyone else happened to be code monkeys. FIE ON THEM I SAY. FIE. FIE.

Sometimes I feel for Bones when she's completely confused about how life and trials are a cult of personality and the friendliest person wins (if you're a woman). Nobody actually cares how hard you worked. Why does this remind me of high school all over again?

And I know my portfolio wasn't the best, but come on, it would have been easier to take if my work wasn't being surgically dissected in a room full of people. I know I'm not supposed to take this stuff personally, but it's really really hard not to, especially after all the work I put in.

At least I resolved one of my class scheduling problems today. /le sigh.

One last push to get final papers, final data, and presentations out of the way by Next Weds.

My computer is still dead, hard drive completely scratched to hell, but I'm hoping that by next Monday I can get it back to at least browsing order. It's a damn good sight that I didn't have final presentations stored on that thing-- most of that stuff was online or saved in emails.

Still not thrilled with my job-- I think I'm stagnating and I'm not sure I want to ask for any more or new responsibilities right now, what with my work load and job searching. I sort of feel like I'm burning the candle on both ends lately and I know I'm avoiding work when I end up marathoning "How I Met Your Mother".

Thanksgiving weekend is coming up soon and it means family-filled holidays with my boyfriend's family (both Thanksgiving and the start of Hannachah in one week!). I'm a little bit aprehensive but I figure I'll survive somehow. I miss my own family and can't wait for Christmas. :)

I don't even know why I'm writing today; I don't feel like I have anything to say. I mostly feel like going through my back-up hard drive, but without a computer, I can't even do that. /sigh

I've listened to two hours of Gregorian Chant at work today. Yesterday was the second time my life was eaten by Murphy's Law.
I kind of want to keep my boyfriend forever.  And I have a term paper to re-write.

fuck.

I will be so damn glad when this term is over. I hate my motherfucking thurs/friday classes. Plus, what the fucking fucking, no one subscribes to DIALOG. It would be nice to know how to actually find this same info on databases people actually used. P.S.

I wish I hadn't come to class this morning. It always makes me tense, upset and confused. And I have a job interview today. Clearly this is not what I need to be a positive frame of mind for this interview. FUCK YOU, CATALOGING.  Thanks for always ruining my day. 

I have a job interview on Friday!!! It was one that I thought I had disqualified myself for, so I'm at once thrilled and completly puzzled.

Now I'm incredibly relieved that I bought a proper interview suit two weeks ago. Now I just need to find some good shoes to go with it. All I have are black, beat up 10-year-old Mary Janes.

Now I just have two days to learn everything I possibly can about my potential employer....

and even if this goes nowhere, it has certainly boosted my flagging spirits since the last 3 places I applied didn't want me.

I find it amazingly...something...that I cannot talk about certain things with people (the only ones that count are unavailable). Ex-boyfriend wants to have a "dialogue" next week after basically telling me to vanish for weeks. I'm mostly just pissed. I'm happy. I'm in love. In fact, if this keep going like it has it's at the point that I'd be massively sad to leave town. And now ex bf, who called me at some ungodly hour to tell me to "I didn't stop liking you, but I want you to stop talking to me or walking in my hall"  wants to chat. I sincerely hope that he isn't going to try and ask me to date him again. Because that is a no. It wasn't a relationship that I was prepared to see at long-term anyway. There were too many important differences for it to ever be super serious. 

i can see why she was afraid/when even the sky is falling down and he is your only/the earth is burning and they are all wanting/none, not bullets, not steel-- this is no glamour to break with cold-forged iron/just your body next to mine (and we fall deeper down down down)/in sickness and in health

k.n.m

So my boyfriend pointed out that I should probably talk to my boss about the fact that I'm starting to have a negative workplace experience. He's right, of course. I wasn't experiencing this sort of anger and distress about the management style during the summer, but with the added stress of the semester crashing down, it's suddenly become detrimental to my mental health.

My dept. keeps so busy that they all sort of operate on a "don't talk to anyone until they've screwed up"-- which means I'm not getting any feedback until I do something wrong. I don't talk to any of my coworkers unless I'm lost, confused, or having an attack of dumb. This has built up until I feel a sort of dread when someone wants to talk to me-- because it's never anything good. I flinch when any of my coworkers pass by my desk, assuming I've done something else wrong. Whenever someone says "oh hey, i want to talk to you" 9/10ths of the time it's always about what I've screwed up, not a new project or a "this has really helped out" or even "hi, how are you?".  Not exactly healthy. Yesterday was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

So I'll do it, eventually. It's so funny; I'm willing to *ask* for things but I feel bad about needing to *complain* about something. Ugh.

So I'll get through the rest of my Info.Lit. class (that generally cheers me up even when I don't know what's going on) and try not to fall over from exhaustion at the end of the day. That's about all I can manage.